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From Moms on Call - a Woman's Day Special, Fall 1999
Friends
can be different: Raising
prejudice-free kids in a biased world
By
Janna L. Graber Author’s note: Like most parents, I want my
children to be respectful and accepting of others. After all, we live in a
diverse society that is a colorful quiltwork of many cultures and races. That
diversity is a benefit for our children, and I want my kids to understand that.
But sadly, some kids don’t. Prejudice still exists,
even in young children. This reality hit home hard in my own hometown of
Littleton, Colorado. As I interviewed experts for this article on April 20,
1999, the neighbor boy down the street entered our local high school, Columbine
High, his arms loaded with guns. He and another boy shot and killed 13 people,
including several teens from my neighborhood. Witnesses say that the two teens
shot one student simply because he was black, another because she believed in
God, and still others because they were athletes. Suddenly the importance of teaching our children to be respectful of all people, no matter what their religion, race, or background, took on a new and desperate meaning. Although this isn’t an issue we often talk about, it’s an important one. How our children respect others will influence the rest of their lives. So how can we raise our children to respect – and even appreciate – the differences in others? Here’s a look at how you can take a proactive role in raising a prejudice-free child. Racial attitudes in children start young. A 1985 study by clinical psychologists Darlene Powell-Hopson, PhD, and Derek Hopson, PhD, which is recounted in their book Raising the Rainbow Generation (Simon & Schuster, 1993) found that children as young as age 3 develop racial attitudes -- both positive and negative -- about people of other races.
“Children as young as 18-months notice skin color differences,” says Barbara Mathias, co-author of 40 Ways to Raise a Nonracist Child (HarperPerennial, 1996). Though some well-meaning parents may believe it’s best to act colorblind, Mathias and her co-author, Mary Ann French, believe that this response often backfires. “It’s unwise to tell a 2-year-old white boy that he is no different from his black friend. He can see that he looks different.”
Instead, advises Jody Johnston Pawel, a licensed social worker and author of The Parent’s Toolshop: The Universal Blueprint from Building a Health Family (Ambris Publishing, 1997), parents should answer questions in a truthful and simple manner. “Kids are naturally curious,” says Pawel. “They should be allowed to ask those questions. We should acknowledge that we all have different looks or beliefs. Just explain differences in truthful and simple terms, even giving a short lesson on genetics if you need to.”
Jan Sikula, a mother of two, was in line at the grocery store one day when her then 5-year-old daughter, Jessie, blurted out, “Mom, there’s a black lady behind us!”
Rather than trying to quiet her daughter, which might have sent a negative message, Jan simply responded, “Yes, I see her there. Her skin has a dark pigment to it. We get our skin color from our parents. I think she’s pretty, don’t you?”
Parents should emphasize what people have in common, says Pawel. “Differences are what is normal in life. No one is exactly alike,” she says. “It’s natural for people to compare themselves to others. Explain to your child that God made us all different, but we have a lot in common on the inside. We all have feelings, and things we like or don’t like. The important thing is that we just treat everyone with respect.”
Being a good role model
Because children imitate their parents, you are the most important teacher for your child. “Parents should openly model diversity,” states Pawel. But just how does one model diversity?
Because children imitate their parents, you are the most important teacher for your child. “Parents should openly model diversity,” states Pawel. But just how does one model diversity?
If you easily accept people of various backgrounds then your child will too. “Even if you’re surprised or uncomfortable with someone because of their differences, model respectful behavior toward them,” says Pawel.
Even mistakes can be turned into teachable moments, believes Dr. Sal Severe, a school psychologist and author of How to Behave so Your Children Will, Too! (Greentree Publishing, 1997). “It’s when we mess up that kids really tune in. But use that opportunity. Be a good example and talk about how you should have handled it.”
Mathias suggests that all parents examine their own feelings regarding diversity. It may be helpful to look into the past, and examine where your ideas and attitudes came from, she says.
Be careful of stereotypes, warns Pawel, which may keep you from finding the unique qualities of each person. Help your child see others individually, and not as part of a group.
Don't be silent when you encounter prejudice in others, or your child may assume your silence is acceptance. Your child needs to know that you believe differently. “I comment on it,” says Pawel, “but not in a way to humiliate the other person.” Either speak out then, or bring up it later with your child.
If your own child seems to exhibit a prejudiced attitude, confront it immediately. When 8-year-old Jim O’Brien* called his Hispanic neighbor friend a racial epithet, Jim’s mother, Beverly, of Littleton, Colorado, immediately called him aside and confronted him on it. “I asked Jim how he would feel if someone called him a bad name. We’ve taught our kids that God has called us to love everyone, and that we’re all precious to Him. Jimmy knew he had done something wrong. He apologized, and we’ve been getting together with our neighbors more often.”
Find teachable moments, advises Dr. Severe. Such moments may come from watching movies or TV. “Talk about current events,” says Severe. “Explain that when people hate each other because of race, creed, or religion, it can even result in war.” First-hand
knowledge is best
Experts agree that direct experience with others is the best weapon against prejudice. Barbara Lopez-Lucio of Florissant, Missouri, saw this when she and her husband moved their two sons to a well-established neighborhood where the majority of the residents are black. Although Barbara’s older son, then 14, had a harder time adjusting to the different racial mix at school, he soon made close friends. Barbara’s younger son, Charlie, was just three when he moved and made the transition easily. “Charlie was the only white kid in his preschool, but it was never an issue,” says Barbara. “He never even asked about it. I’ve taught my kids that there are good people and crummy people, and you can’t tell anything just by looking at them.” “The best way to get to know people is to be their neighbors and co-workers,” says Barbara. “Teaching your kids to respect others is not something we ‘do’; it’s just the way we live. If you really want to teach your kids about others, go to other people. Let your kids see what people are really like.”
But for some, like Tricia Goyer of Columbia Falls, Montana, this isn’t easy because of the demographics of her area. “Our biggest struggle is trying to relate to our kids that there are people who are different than us,” says Tricia. “From their perspective everyone is a white cowboy!”
But even if you live in a town with limited exposure to other cultures, there are still ways to broaden your horizons. You might have your child join a new soccer team, visit a cultural festival as a family, attend church in another area, take in an exchange student, or join a neighborhood playgroup.
You can also go to the library and look for children's books written from another ethnic viewpoint. Give younger children dolls of various racial backgrounds. Good videos and movies are excellent for helping children understand another way of life. Even eating out at an ethnic restaurant can be a fun way for the family to experience another culture together.
Sometimes the best way to break down stereotypes and prejudice is to make a new friend. My family learned that six months ago when we befriended a Japanese exchange student. Although we were uncomfortable together at first, within a few visits all hesitations had vanished and we were fast friends. Soon I was learning to cook Japanese food while my daughters worked on Japanese origami.
The experience taught me – and my children – a good lesson:
Sometimes when you open your arms in friendship, it can open your eyes to the
world.
* Name has been changed for privacy Sidebar #1: Kid-friendly shows and videos that encourage diversity ·
Doug
(Nickelodeon) ages 6 and up ·
Out of the Box (Disney) ages 2-6 ·
Reading Rainbow (PBS) ages 5 and up ·
The Education of Little Tree (video) tells the tale of a Cherokee orphan growing
up in the Great Smoky Mountains (ages 6 and up), $14.95. ·
People
(video) by Stories to Remember takes children around the world to meet a variety
of people (ages 5 and up), $19.95. ·
The Land Before Time (video) series is about a group dinosaurs who become
great friends despite their differences (ages 3-8), $19.98.
Sidebar
#2: Great places to introduce your kids to new people and cultures
550
Stewart Avenue Garden
City, New York 11530 (516-222-0207)
Lets
children experience the challenges encountered by people with disabilities. For
ages 2-12
450
Mulberry Street Memphis,
TN 38103-4214
(901) 521-9699 Offers
children an overview of the Civil Rights Movement and of human rights worldwide.
For
elementary age children
Liberty Island, New York, NY
10004 (212) 363-7620 Tells the journey of immigrants to America and their
settlement throughout the country.
For all ages
3901 California St. Denver, CO 80205 (303) 292-2566 Shows the important role that black cowboys had in
settling the West. For all ages
550 West
155th Street Offers many fun ways to learn about the Native American. For ages 2-10
(202) 488-0400 Gives an educational look at the Holocaust and why it
happened. For older elementary children Sidebar #3: A Year by year guideline Here are some age-appropriate tips our experts gave for encouraging
tolerance: Ages 2-4
Kindergarten and early elementary
Older Elementary·
During
the late elementary years, children are eager to do things with their parents,
says Mathias. “This is a great time to explore different cultures and do new
things as a family.” ·
Mathias
calls the ages of 9-11 the “Awakening Years” because children this age have
a good idea of what is fair and what is not. It’s a good time to have serious
talks with your kids, she says. |